The Usual Dosage

Finally, I have found time to not only channel my spite and hatred toward another worthy human being, but also to respond to comments and add some additional Tweets that nobody gives a fuck about.

Whew. It’s been an exhausting day, and, frankly, I’m daunted by the work that lies before me. To sum up my loathing for Mike Galanos up in a single blog post is a large task. I’m surprised at myself that it’s taken me this long to figure out who was next on The List, but, honestly, Mike Galanos and Jane Velez-Mitchell were at such a close tie for so long that it was really hard for me to determine a clear winner. Sorry Nancy Grace, you’re just “not relevant” (read: dumb bimbo) anymore.

So, that brings me to Mike. Let’s start with his Wikipedia article:

Mr. Galanos currently hosts Prime News on HLN (formerly CNN Headline News). Was quoted as saying that, “porn is worse than crack,” in an interview regarding the screening of the upcoming Pirates film. Also, when speaking to a man who had been making dolls based on Caylee Anthony, he almost dropped the f-bomb, but was cut off just in time. Galanos often breaks journalistic protocol and expresses his personal views on a given subject.

This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Galanos is a self-righteous prig who seems to feel that, among other misogynistic and chauvinistic viewpoints,  a woman’s place is in the home, a woman isn’t able to make decisions for herself, and those who disagree with his particular line of questioning deserve to be entirely cut out of the argument.

It’s not really that I’m a super advocate of feminism. Mike is clearly a “strong male role model” for many men who aspire to be spousal abusers. More, it’s his muckraking style of journalism that drives me crazy. His interview style is that of an interrogator: he knows the answer he wants his subject to give, and leads them there, not cleverly, but clumsily, like a horny teenage boy woodenly tearing off a bra strap rather than finessing the clasps, or, anathema to him, asking for assistance.

He mocks “shocked” constantly. The following are the phrases I listed him eschewing forth like so much vomit in the scope of a three days and three different topics:

Now, this is just sickening (4x)…Disgusting (8x)…A gut-wrenching feeling (3x)…Sickening (4x)…This guy just disgusts me (2x)…A real low life (9x!)…Horrific (7x)

His commentary is glib, callous, insensitive and shallow. He was a “sports guy” and should go back to being a “sports guy”. His persona is characterized well by Champion “Champ” Kind in “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy“. He is shallow, narrow minded and uses repetitive incendiary words to sucker punch your skull into towing his line. He even fits the picture; smooth talking, slick hair, and a real look of pseudo-compassion on his face that only I and his mother can recognize as complete bullshit.

Here’s my message for you, Mike: If I hear you interrupt another true veteran offhandedly and thinly with your clearly smug “Thanks for your service”, I’m going to find your car in the CNN parking lot in Atlanta, and I’m going to smear canine feces on the front windshield. The vets talking to you know you’re full of shit, and I know you’re bullshit because we’ve heard you say it ad nauseum with no compassion, emotion or care for well over the last year.

Also, porn is not crack, yes, there are bad people out there who do bad things as part of the human condition, and no, I’m not going to be afraid to say hello to my neighbor or leave my child at daycare because of the pointless drivel that leaks from your lips. I will continue to carry my concealed weapon despite your hippie liberal viewpoint about guns being bad, and no, I’m not going to watch your shitty show with Take 608 of the Casey Anthony case. I don’t care how attractive you think she is.

This is the world according to Mike:

Maybe you should have stuck with sports…

Welcome to #5 on The List, Mike.

This entry to The List practically writes its fucking self. Unless you live inside an Igloo cooler (in several pieces, wrapped neatly in brown butcher’s paper), you know of this “Twlight” debacle whereby Ann Rice books are painfully recreated with bigger easier to read words, and with the role of Lestat, actually, more like Nicolas, being played by angsty teen cum heartthrob “Edward Cullen”, or, as those with a foot in reality call him, Robert Pattinson. Full disclosure, I have a LONG standing hatred of vampires in pop culture. This includes you, True Blood.

So, we all are now highly amused that in Stephanie Meyer’s “Twlight” series The Immortals now live within the confines of a high school and are forced to be dark and gothy whilst taking Precalculus for the 417th time. Okay, I haven’t read the fucking books but I can’t be that far off. Yes, dark gothy freaks are as dreamy now as they were when Brandon Lee played The Crow, to be sure.

But here’s what you didn’t know: this dilettante model cum actor who looks like he has two caterpillars eating the upper part of his fucking head fancies himself an honest to God, wait for it, yes, a musician. Surprise! He even has several IdiotTube postings that feature him “Joan Jetting” himself in front of a bunch of otherwise happy bar patrons in a halting, gravelly tone. It’s the most bizarre thing, and you can even hear the odd chuckle in the background if you listen carefully. Before he opens, he’s a pasty British lad who almost appeared in the Royal Court Theatre and almost made it into scenes from Vanity Fair. When he “sings”, thouhg, he seems to be trying to channel Magic Slim or Howlin’ Wolf. Problem is, amid all this channeling of blues greats, he forgot something: he’s not black, and there’s no way in hell he has the fucking BLUES.

But let’s be serious…he’s not channeling, he’s copying, and failing. Badly. In fact, he just sounds drunk to me, and I’m not the only one that thinks so. You decide and get back with me. Don’t worry, it’s only a 2 minute song with like 6 sentences that he in fact didn’t write himself. I wouldn’t dare make MY READER(S) suffer more that two minutes of his shit.

While you’re away, Robert Pattinson gets added to The List as douche bag #4. Why? Because teenage girls, middle aged women and MTV all fucking love him, and he makes me want to punch myself in the face until I’m unconscious.

“Wil Wheaton says, ‘Don’t be a dick!’”

You’re going to say, “Holy fuck, he’s picking on Wil Wheaton, the coolest geek ever.” Or you might say, “Who the fuck is Wil Wheaton?” Either way, listen up and pay attention.

I don’t like Wil Wheaton. It’s not that he’s stupid or has wronged me in some way. I don’t like Wil Wheaton because he is the author of “what to expect if you follow me on twitter (or: how I’m going to disappoint you in 6 quick steps)“, which subsequently makes him a self-righteous prig. Yes, I said prig.

Let’s examine this masterpiece.

“the number of people who read my stupid messages on Twitter has exploded by several thousand in just the last few days”

Today, there are actually 915,714 followers of his. That’s more than the original Jesus Christ. Nice work.

I bet a lot of them don’t read my blog, and only know me as Gordie LaChance or Wesley Crusher, or the gangly kid who played those characters and was a lot more concerned about whether girls liked him than he was being honest and true to himself

First, who the fuck cares if they read your blog, or know you as your FAMOUS TV CHARACTER, asshole? You think these people follow you because they randomly pick strangers to follow on Twitter? I’d say you’re more well known for your TV personalities of the past than you are for your relatively obscure literary contributions to Information Technology. Appreciate the fact that at least a half a million of those people give a shit about your life, which is more than most people can say.

The problem with being in the public eye is that the media always filters everything you do, highlights every stupid mistake you make, and aren’t as interested in showing people what you’re really like as they are in printing the story that will sell the most papers

Honestly, Wil, most “people” don’t give a shit who you are in real life. If you’re in the limelight, they want what they see on TV. How do you not know this by now?

I’m not going to tell you what Twitter is, or how you should use it

Hm, ok, thanks. I won’t tell you what a vagina is, or how you should use it, either. Fair’s fair.

Now, having said that, if you plan to follow me on Twitter, here are some things you should probably know, so you know what to expect from me

Holy shit, are you fucking serious? You have TWITTER RULES? That’s like the bitchy cheerleader in high school that had “rules” for dating her. How narcissistic of you.

I’m probably not going to follow you

That’s cool. I mean, the person reading your blog might be a really nice person, or the fucking Pope or Dalai Lama or something, so that’s good that you lower those expectations right off the bat. You wouldn’t want to accept the wrong person into your circle, after all.

4. There is no number four.

Yes there is, because you put it there as part of your OL tag, dumb ass. Saying it’s not there doesn’t make it not there.

If you’re expecting some kind of weird “celebrity” experience, I’m not your guy, and this is where some of you can point and scoff and pat yourselves on the back for saying, “Dude, you’re not a celebrity! Hurr hurr hurr.

Okay, first off, you ARE a celebrity, like it or not. You were on TV and you have a fucking Wiki page. Let me put it this way. My father, a Physics PhD, retired Air Force Colonel, decorated Vietnam Veteran and last Squadron Commander of a famous reconnaissance squadron which had been around since the second World War was denied the Wikipedia page I submitted for him because he “wasn’t relevant enough”. So congrats, Wil, your minor roles in a Sci-Fi TV show have made you more relevant than him. Now suck it up and stop being a douche bag to your fans.

it’s overwhelming, really cool, and a little scary that there are about 53,000 people following me on Twitter

Most bloggers/twitterers would give their left nut to have your “problems”, Wil.

I’m not Gordie and I’m not Wesley. I’m Wil. Please show me the courtesy of using my real name, not the name of some guy you saw in a theater or on TV 20 years ago

That’s the only way you’re real to some people, Wil. That’s the only reason you’re even relevant to the world now. You think your books sell because you’re the next fucking Vonnegut? Don’t hate where you came from, and stop being a dick to people who need you to be that person.

That was really tough to write, because I’m so afraid of coming off wrong, or being misunderstood. Well, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? I will just hope that this is received in the way it was intended, and not the other way.

I didn’t take it the wrong way at all. No, really. After reading a great number of your posts on Slashdot, a marginally large number of your blog posts, and now, a smattering of your Tweets, I think you are as self-righteous, egotistical and prickish as any MAJOR Hollywood erudite, and just precisely what I’ve come to expect from any talking head transmitting from the West Coast.

I sure hope this post didn’t make me come off sounding like an asshole!

Oh, wait, I AM an asshole. At least I’m honest with myself. And my three fans.

Congratulations, Wil. When I was a kid, I wanted to be like you, but now, you’re just #3 on The List.

Member #2

“We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals,” PETA spokesman Bruce Freidrich explained.

Bruce, it’s not enough that you’re a sniveling mouthpiece for a radical leftist media whore like PETA, you’re also a Catholic Vegan. How many ridiculous causes can you become a part of to get media publicity? Do you even believe the horse shit that you’re spewing? I’m gonna seriously doubt it, or, alternatively, you have, like many pathological liars, become convinced that you actually believe in what you are ejaculating from your gum flaps.

The good news is that due to your “diet of modern convenience” (you know, the one where the only reason you eat what you do and survive is because of the miracle of modern fucking technology) your deficiencies will gradually get passed on through the generations, and your offspring, if they can have any after a few generations, will get weaker and weaker until they just stop being relevant to the gene pool.

On a final note, before I append you to The List, congratulations on Phi Beta Kappa at Grinnell. With that, you are now 100% qualified to be a waiter at TGIFriday’s. Or a spokesperson for PETA. On second thought, no, I don’t want to lump you in with TGIFriday’s waiters. Those people’s jobs are actually meaningful.

Member #1

Michael Jackson makes the list because, let’s be honest, he’s the most celebrated pedophile in history since Nero. Yeah yeah, King of Pop and all that still doesn’t give someone a free pass to sleep with kids and then settle out of court. I’ve heard all about his troubled life (ad nauseum for the last week on CNN…thanks “news”) and I’m not convinced. Believe me, with enough financing, I can be mopey and plastic-surgery-addicted on my gargantuan kiddie ranch, too! Just throw enough money at me and I’ll dance. Pffft.

Today in history, Michael Jackson, though dead, becomes Member #1 of The List.