This entry to The List practically writes its fucking self. Unless you live inside an Igloo cooler (in several pieces, wrapped neatly in brown butcher’s paper), you know of this “Twlight” debacle whereby Ann Rice books are painfully recreated with bigger easier to read words, and with the role of Lestat, actually, more like Nicolas, being played by angsty teen cum heartthrob “Edward Cullen”, or, as those with a foot in reality call him, Robert Pattinson. Full disclosure, I have a LONG standing hatred of vampires in pop culture. This includes you, True Blood.
So, we all are now highly amused that in Stephanie Meyer’s “Twlight” series The Immortals now live within the confines of a high school and are forced to be dark and gothy whilst taking Precalculus for the 417th time. Okay, I haven’t read the fucking books but I can’t be that far off. Yes, dark gothy freaks are as dreamy now as they were when Brandon Lee played The Crow, to be sure.
But here’s what you didn’t know: this dilettante model cum actor who looks like he has two caterpillars eating the upper part of his fucking head fancies himself an honest to God, wait for it, yes, a musician. Surprise! He even has several IdiotTube postings that feature him “Joan Jetting” himself in front of a bunch of otherwise happy bar patrons in a halting, gravelly tone. It’s the most bizarre thing, and you can even hear the odd chuckle in the background if you listen carefully. Before he opens, he’s a pasty British lad who almost appeared in the Royal Court Theatre and almost made it into scenes from Vanity Fair. When he “sings”, thouhg, he seems to be trying to channel Magic Slim or Howlin’ Wolf. Problem is, amid all this channeling of blues greats, he forgot something: he’s not black, and there’s no way in hell he has the fucking BLUES.
But let’s be serious…he’s not channeling, he’s copying, and failing. Badly. In fact, he just sounds drunk to me, and I’m not the only one that thinks so. You decide and get back with me. Don’t worry, it’s only a 2 minute song with like 6 sentences that he in fact didn’t write himself. I wouldn’t dare make MY READER(S) suffer more that two minutes of his shit.
While you’re away, Robert Pattinson gets added to The List as douche bag #4. Why? Because teenage girls, middle aged women and MTV all fucking love him, and he makes me want to punch myself in the face until I’m unconscious.
January 18th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
If you were as smart as you want people to think you are, you would know the author’s name is spelled Stephenie and you would quit using the f-word! As they say, when you have a small vocabulary, you have to resort to using “dumb people’s” vocabulary!!
January 18th, 2010 at 8:02 pm
Good point, Jennifer. I didn’t realize Miss Meyer’s parents spelled her first name like someone from West Virginia would. Since I can see where your IP is from, I find it almost ironic that you refer to my fucking use of the fucking f-word as being a part of the “dumb people’s” vocabulary. Besides, let’s be honest, Miss Meyer’s “opus nauseum” isn’t exactly in line to win the Nobel (a Caldecot might be more age appropriate). Since you didn’t once use “lol” or “u” in your post, I’m going to just have to assume you’re one if those “Twi-moms” whose lust over a scrawny youth is just as creepy as as a fat man drooling over Emma Watson, so thanks for adding a new level of disturbed people to my quickly growing list of stalkers and creepy chicks. Now, go read the “About” and kindly FUCK OFF.